Oooooo Child, Things Are Gonna Get Easier....

So, last night I had a meltdown.  Yes, as you have read, I've had a few of those here and there since we moved to LA.  Not because I don't want to be here or that I don't like it--actually, I am loving A LOT of things about LA.  I love that I have a hallway in my apartment.  Oh, and I love my apartment.  I LOVEEEEE (did I say love?) the weather.  I love that I can choose to bike, hike, bus, or car my way to my destinations.  I love that my career in theatre/arts/whatever mish mush of work I put together isn't my everything and all (though that's been probably one of the biggest adjustments).  I love that people are so much nicer here.  I love at the Starbucks guy or girl always asks me if I want the full 4 pumps of flavoring in my coffee because it can be a little too sweet and I always say, "Thank you" and take 2 instead.  I love that people think I'm 20 years old.  And I love that in a whole, LA and California has been much less stressful EVEN WITH moving here and to a brand new place than any one day in New York City.  I love that people look me in the eyes here.

I love it and I'm really growing to love LA and already have a mad affair with California as a whole.

But last night I came home from 5 days of unpaid training for a tour guide type of a job.  A great friend of mine hooked me up with this job and I knew full well that I wouldn't get paid for this training (in fact, apparently in LA it's not weird at ALL to not get paid for training) and I learned a lot in those 5 days.  I got to do a lot of tourist stuff here in LA that I wouldn't have otherwise been able to do.  I learned how hard it is to be away from Matt, especially knowing that we're in the same city but not sleeping in the same bed together (due to the long days and early mornings, I stayed at the hotel).  I learned that managing a large group of teens and chaperones is really hard.  And exhausting.

But the most upsetting thing I learned was that...I didn't really like it.  I really wanted to.  I mean, I really wanted to.  My friend who got me the job told me I'd be great for it and he now has a full time job with them that he loves.  The people that own and run the business are lovely and so incredibly nice.  I walked in five days ago, prepared to take on the tour managing world by storm.  Instead, I came back with a certain amount of guilt and uncertainty with taking on such a job.

And so when I came home, sleep deprived, after eating horrible diet, and stressed about the fact that I, once again, wasn't making money for five days--I came home and cried.  I cried because I didn't like it.  And I cried because of the guilt I felt with that.  I want to contribute to our home.  I don't want to worry when we want to go out to dinner for our wedding anniversary in a few weeks.  And I want to contribute to something that I want to do.

Well, after a night of puffy eyed, ugly, camera real crying to Matt last night and after a morning of placing cold vegetables on my eyes before putting on makeup today, the sun came out.  I woke up to receive an email to find out that I've been cast in a music video!  AND I did my first day at the Youth Academy for Dramatic Arts (YADA) where I walked meekly into the production meeting, not only to be greeted with smiles and handshakes, but with an easiness on my heart because I instantly felt at home.  Surrounded by real theatre people, I instantly felt that these were my peers.  Now, I know not every day will be sunshine and rose or easy and inspirational (let's be honest, I didn't get to see any kids today ;) ) but I knew after today, that even though it may not be perfect, it's somewhere I wanted to be.  And I felt wanted.

Funny how things can change in a day, isn't it?

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