A Look Back...

12/8/10


I found the following entry in one of my first feeble attempts to start a blog.  And I thought I would post it.  It was while I was doing Cabaret in New Hampshire, unknowing of what an amazing year I was to have.  

So I have been in my own little world working here in New Hampshire and usually, when I am on a contract, I sort of loose myself.  Not in a bad way--I just tend to think of those I am with and really just what I am doing--not too much else.  Which, in some ways, is a great thing.  I am very good at living in the moment and loving what I am doing.  But, in many ways, it’s a selfish way of thinking.  Maybe it’s been since I moved to New York or maybe it’s me growing up or just (as morbid as it may sound) realizing the reality of life and how short it really it is--but I have found that I miss a lot of people, a lot of friends that are in my life that I don’t get to see as much as I wish I could.

I talked to a close friend of mine the other day--I hadn’t gotten to talk to him in a couple of months and finally, our “fun” game of phone tag was ended.  Very much a big brother to me, my friend and I did our usual catch up--where we are, what show we are doing, etc etc.  And then we began to talk about his brother.  His younger brother, sadly, was tragically killed in a boating accident a little over a year ago.  Late at night, at twenty one years old, on a boat on the Tennessee river, he fell off the side of the boat with no one knowing for hours.  Sadly, he drowned.  Twenty one years old, a brother of one of my closest guy friends, whom I had met-knew, really-was just gone in the blink of an eye.  And this had hit me (and the rest of my college based fried group) hard last year--which is maybe why over the year I have begun to really see myself as, perhaps, not so invincible as I had once considered myself.

Not to mention, I had no idea how to bring up such a subject to someone who I was so close to.  For a whole year, I found myself speechless when it came to such a subject.  And yesterday, as my friend began to talk about it openly, he said something that hit me.  “You know, I don’t need or want things anymore.  What I want is my brother back.”  

And here I am, worried about NYC, money, what’s my next job--and one of my best guy friends just wants his brother back.  To be back in his life.  Which he will never have again--ever.  

I don’t know what the point of this entry is, other than to get that out--I will never see his brother again and he will never has his brother again. 

I’m not invincible.  I really can’t take any of it with me.  So, although I am only writing this for myself (really), I am putting this out into the universe...to God...to whatever is there that is bigger than me:  

        Thank you to every person who loves me.  For those who love me 

        for who I am, what I am, what I was, what I want to be, and what I will         

        be.  Thank you for love, thank you for life.  Thank you for family and     

        thank you for friends.  

And most greatly, thank you for time on earth...past, present...and future.

Love love,

Adrienne